


The Marauders Prank

by hermiones_nook



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boyfriend material, Gen, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-War, pranks gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:14:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25075942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermiones_nook/pseuds/hermiones_nook
Summary: Remus is tired of getting into trouble because of James and Sirius. Maybe he can cook up an idea to get them out of his hair and keep them occupied and off of Professor McGonagall's radar. Can he whip these boys into boyfriend material before they land him in detention again?!
Relationships: Remus Lupin/James Potter, Sirius Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	The Marauders Prank

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LunaRavenclaw9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaRavenclaw9/gifts), [ArielSakura](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArielSakura/gifts), [KoraKwidditch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoraKwidditch/gifts), [SonnenFlower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonnenFlower/gifts), [TheUltimateUndesirable](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUltimateUndesirable/gifts), [Snromance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snromance/gifts), [noxsoulmate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxsoulmate/gifts), [Mrs_Poncey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Poncey/gifts).



> This was written by some members of the Facebook group Hermione's Nook. We, modmins, here at the Nook would like to thank all our wonderful readers and writers for helping us reach 2k members in the group and another big thank you to the ones who participated in this celebration fic!
> 
> Each person who was gifted this fic wrote parts of it, expanding on the previous part that had been written. It was beta'd by LunaRavenclaw9 and noxsoulmate. We hope you enjoy some Marauders' shenanigans and first kisses between silly boys.
> 
> Aesthetic created by noxsoulmate.

Sirius kicked his chair up on the back two legs as he waggled his eyebrows at James. 

“Ready for me to beat your record, Prongs?” he asked while trying to find his balance. He looked ridiculous if you asked Remus, arms windmilled out to his sides, legs wobbling up and down minutely, and torso moving back and forth. But no one asked him, so he stayed quiet as he watched his two friends.

The stopwatch spell James had activated ticked closer to the record - a mere thirty-nine seconds - as Remus watched James’ foot slide closer to the leg of Sirius’ chair. At thirty-seven seconds, James kicked the chair leg and sent Sirius flying onto the floor.

Right that moment, Professor McGonagall walked through the classroom door.

“Mr Black, you would do well to remember that my class is best taken, in your seat.”

“Yes, Professor,” Sirius mumbled, throwing James a dirty look.

While the Professor moved to the front of the class, Sirius threw a balled-up piece of parchment at James.

“What the hell, Prongs? I was about to beat you!”

“Were you?” James replied, smiling sweetly. “To me, it looks like you fell.”

Remus shook his head as Sirius began muttering expletives and Peter chuckled into his hand, unwilling to be overheard laughing in the class of their ferocious Head of House.

"If you will all focus now," Professor McGonagall called out with a pointed look in their direction, "we will begin today's instruction on cross-species switches. I have a cage of guinea fowls here - you will be attempting to turn them into guinea pigs."

Remus began taking notes as McGonagall kept speaking, trying to ignore the banter between Sirius and James as per normal.

“You’re such a  _ dog _ ,” James said with a joking sneer as he bumped into Remus.

“Better a dog than some  _ freaky _ , horned antelope,” Sirius replied, crossing his arms as he leant back in his seat. A smirk spread across his face as James whipped his head around, rising to the bait Sirius had laid out by aiming a heated glare at him. All of them knew how touchy James was about any kind of jokes about his animagus form.

“I’m a stag you mangy, flea-bitten-”

“Will you two quit it!” Remus harshly whispered, eyes flashing gold as they darted between the two. His head began to pound from their bickering and good Godric if they didn’t stop soon, he just knew they would feel the wrath of McGonagall.

James crossed his arms. “If Pads would just quit acting like a stubborn brat for a minute-”

“And if YOU would stop being such a sore loser-”

“I’m not!”

“Are too!”

‘Well,’ Remus thought to himself. ‘I suppose today is the day Peter becomes my best friend.’

The pairs’ bickering soon became explosive, and their whispers grew into shouts. McGonagall brandished her wand, and without even a pause in her lecture flicked two Langlock charms in their direction, finally shutting both James and Sirius up.

Sirius looked like a kicked puppy as the charm took effect, the girls all around them fawning over the put out expression on his face. Even Remus had to admit, it was kinda cute. But at least  _ he _ knew it was all an act.

To be fair, Sirius was the better actor out of his two silenced friends. While the whole room was wrapped around his pinkie finger with just one look, James was holding his throat and acting like a man suffocating, while dramatically falling off his chair. Too bad he destroyed his own performance by shooting a glance at Lily - who seemed anything but impressed.

Poor James! Not only was Lily barely even sparing him a glance, but McGonagall saw the entire thing. And James falling off his chair was certainly not her idea of appropriate behaviour.

“Mr Potter, do I have to remind you that this is the second time I’ve had to reprimand you in less than five minutes? The class has barely started. I’m sure Mr Filch has something that can help with your overflowing amount of energy, don’t you think?”

As James struggled against the Langlock trying to reply, she continued, pointedly ignoring his mumbles. “Mr Filch’s office, right after dinner. Don’t make me repeat that sentence or I will add tomorrow as well.”

~*~

“I can’t believe I got bloody detention with Filch. Why the hell didn’t he get it too?”

James was still complaining by the time they sat at lunch. He was actively stabbing his potato, apparently torn between glaring at Sirius and shooting glances at Lily. Sirius was smirking - probably at his own good fortune - and Lily continued to ignore them all.

“Because Minny secretly loves me, of course,” Sirius finally answered James’ (probably rhetorical) question in a perky tone, straightening himself up proudly. For a second, he reminded Remus of a puppy, waiting for a treat.

It was almost as if he believed his own lie instead of it just being a show to work James up. If they got detention together, the two friends usually had a great time. But if it was just one of them, they were downright arseholes towards each other for at least the next 48 hours.

“She doesn’t love you, you stupid git!” James said, punctuating it with a brutal stab into his kidney pie. “She just hates me more. But we will see if it stays that way,” he threatened.

Remus rolled his eyes and ate his lunch. He didn’t see the point of this back and forth, nor did he enjoy their bickering the way Peter did. He was constantly laughing along with them or adding in playful banter. Provoking the two separately towards each other with new plans for chaos that Remus always ended up trying to put a stop to.

Remus was already exhausted by their act. Not only were the professors giving them a ton of extra homework this year, but for some reason, people seemed to think he had any sort of control over the other Marauders. 

As an idea started to form, Remus blankly watched his friends continue to squabble, not really listening to what they were saying to each other.

He usually tried to avoid becoming mixed up with their shenanigans. But there were occasions when he joined in or even spearheaded his own pranks. He was always more subtle in his approach to the mischief he created - which was typically beneficial when trying to keep the group out of trouble. Though there were times it was unquestionable that he was involved and it landed him in detention along with whoever his partner in crime had been at the time.

“I swear to Merlin himself, you stupid mutt, I’m going to get you for this one. Especially if Peeves finds me!” James promised, chucking one of the last rolls at Sirius. His friend simply ducked and it proceeded across the room - to hit an upper-year Hufflepuff in the back of her head. James winced and Remus suppressed a snort.

All of them chanced a look up at the head table - but only out of the corner of their eyes. What they saw was a furious looking Professor McGonagall, her gaze feeling like it was going to catch them on fire. Out of instinct, Remus scooted away from James, trying to put space between them, just in case.

Once he deemed he was far enough away, he ducked his head into the safety of his arms in a further attempt to avoid the heat of this very well-known glare. Why, oh why, did he have to be friends with these people?

He lifted his head just enough to sneak a glance at the staff table. Sure enough, their Head of House was no longer seated. Instead she was storming down the gap between tables.

Oh, Merlin.

His head went back onto his arms with a thunk. What had he done to deserve this? He’d been good all month - had done all his homework, had owled his mother, hadn’t even eaten anyone on the full moon, those kinds of things. What more did the world want from him?

“Mr Potter! What on earth do you think you’re doing? A week of detention for you, on top of the one you already have. And of course a proper apology to Miss Hall!”

“But-But-But!” James spluttered, “It was Sirius’ fault!”

“I don’t care if it was the fault of Merlin himself, young man. It was you who threw the roll, therefore it is you who shall be punished. And Mr Lupin, I really don’t think the lunch table is an appropriate place for a nap. Do you?”

Remus sheepishly lifted his head from off his arms as he muttered, “No, Ma’am.”

McGonagall assessed him sternly, before she turned on her heel and stalked back to the staff table.

“Well, that’s us told,” James said gloomily, pushing away the remains of his lunch.

“Cheer up, Prongs,” Sirius said, poking him with the end of his fork, “We have charms next and you know what comes with charms…”

He waggled his eyebrows, a lecherous grin spreading across his face.

“A certain Ravenclaw student named Miss Pennyfeather…” Sirius answered his own comment with a dreamy gaze.

Remus let his head fall back onto his arms with a thunk. This was not going to end well.

He had been right.

Remus had been so right about things not ending well.

He had no recollection anymore of  _ what exactly _ had happened (that’s a lie, he had, he just rather pretended he didn’t) but SOMEHOW, Sirius and his terrible desire to flirt with Miss Pennyfeather had managed to not only land  _ him  _ in detention alongside James (which their friend had been rather gleeful about).

**No.**

**Nooo.**

It had also gotten  _ Remus  _ there as well!

Once again, he wondered, why exactly he was friends with these people. Not to think about why he was so stupid as to be caught up in the middle of all their ridiculous foolishness.

Seething, he gave his friends the silent treatment over the next few days. He would lose enough time thanks to the upcoming full moon. Now he lost even more because of detention with Tweedledum and Tweedledee!

Mercifully, Lily was generous with him, probably taking pity. She saved him a seat in the library every evening and as soon as he left detention and slid into the seat across from her, the books they would need for their assignments were already waiting for him. He was half convinced she also did it to annoy James - but he certainly deserved that!

When he wasn’t studying with Lily or in detention, he spent his time with Peter - his new best friend. How he had gotten out of detention, Remus had no idea. Probably because he was always so quiet most people overlooked him.

Lucky bloke.

Remus was quiet as well and people  _ still _ noticed him. Thinking he had any control over Tweedledum and Tweedledee. 

HA! As if…

Though… mhhh…

After three evenings of their week-long detention, Remus’ mind was wondering…

What if…

What if there really _was_ a way for him to control these two dunderheads...? 

Remus sat up sharply, the hangings around his bed coming into focus. After a week of taking every spare minute he had (dramatically decreased in number thanks to the detentions), he knew how to control, or at least… distract the plonkers he called friends. And in doing so, hopefully, he crossed his fingers, keep himself out of detention.

He would find them girlfriends, or boyfriends, or any person inclined to date the numpties. The theory being that if they were busy with their partner - they wouldn’t have any energy left to cause chaos. In theory. Of course, it was entirely plausible that finding someone to date either boy would be impossible. Or irritatingly, it was also possible that the partner in question would fail to use up enough of the boys’ energy and Remus would have to deal with both Sirius and James being lovesick idiots,  _ and _ their normal blockhead selves.

He shook his head, the ink stains on his hands a firm reminder that it was worth a shot.

Time to initiate Operation Match Maker - or OMM for short.

Step 1: Speak to Lily Evans - already James’ object of affection.

Step 2: Run away from a now very angry Lily Evans who is now screaming about betrayal.

Maybe he was better just taking the detention and trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible. Maybe, in an act of role reversal, Peter could tutor him in the art of being a wallflower?

But no. Remus shook his head. No, he had to at least  _ try _ !

But maybe… mhhhh. Maybe he shouldn’t start with the potential boyfriends or girlfriends. After all, he already knew what Lily hated most about James - well, one of those things. So why not start this the right way around? Why not start with whipping Tweedledum and Tweedledee into perfect boyfriend material?

Ohh, oh yeah. Oh this could work!

Remus’ mind was racing while the sky slowly brightened outside the windows of Gryffindor tower…

~*~

“So, I’ve been thinking.”

Both James and Sirius’ heads slowly lifted from their breakfast, staring first at Remus, then at each other. Confusion plainly written on their features.

“Is… is he speaking to  _ us _ ?” Sirius stage-whispered in James’ direction, who leaned towards his friend, dramatically stretching his lips to the side to ‘whisper’ from the corner of his mouth. “I think so.”

Remus rolled his eyes, before fixing both of them with a glare.

“Continue like this and I will stop again right away. Now eat your breakfast and listen.”

Like two obedient toddlers, both boys immediately leaned forward again, mumbled a, “sorry, Moony,” and shoveled more of their cereals into their mouths.

Huh, interesting - apparently he  _ had _ some semblance of control over them, after all.

Packing away that piece of information for later, he went back to his original plan for this morning.

“As I said, I’ve been thinking. It’s time we do something about this situation between James and Lily.”

He couldn’t remember ever getting James’ attention faster than with those words and even Sirius’ head snapped back up, some milk drooling out of his gaping mouth.

Great, Remus thought, rolling his eyes heavenwards. There was still so much work to do before that mutt was even halfway presentable as a potential boyfriend.

Focusing back on his ‘friends’, Remus fixed them with a stern glare.

“It’s time all this embarrassment comes to an end.”

“You mean… you want me to stop-”

“I want you to stop talking and listen to me, yes, exactly,” he commented, narrowing his eyes in the boy’s direction.

Right away, James clamped his mouth shut.

Remus waited for another second to see if he really listened - then he went on.

“We will pull the biggest prank in known history. A prank more memorable than any other we have ever pulled.”

“How will that help-” Sirius began, but shut up quickly when Remus' glare landed on him.

Remus could swear his ears were pulled back tight against his head but since that wasn't possible in his human form, it was likely only his imagination.

“It will  _ help _ James - and potentially  _ you _ as well. But you need to listen closely to what I have to say.”

Letting his eyes wander between them, he gave a dramatic pause - and then finally declared:

“The biggest prank… will be to make boyfriend material out of the two of you!”

A bubble of silence snapped into place around the three marauders. Sirius’ mouth displayed a disgusting mash of soggy half-chewed ChocMagi-pops while James stared glass-eyed into nothingness as milk dribbled down his chin. The sounds of the Great Hall hummed in the background, until Sirius’ mumbled, “What?” seemed to snap reality back into place. 

All at once, Tweedledum and Tweedledee regained control over their mental abilities. Two sets of eyes zoomed in on Remus with an intensity that rivaled the sun. Enough for his own throat to constrict and a panicked thought of ‘Merlin, what have I done,’ to throb along with his pounding heartbeat.

“You are going to make us boyfriends?” Sirius choked out, the apples of his cheek dusted red as he looked at James, who blushed pink all over.

“How did you know-,” James whispered.

“Look Moony it's not like that,” Sirius stuttered. “We’re just letting go of some steam, you know? Practice for when it's real-,” he helplessly trailed off.

Remus’ hands had a life of their own as they lifted in an attempt to stop the words to reach him. “No, no no nono-,” he said. “I said to make you two ‘boyfriend material’, not boyfriends to each other!” Merlin, he should not have done this in the Great Hall. Somewhere quiet, why didn’t he think of that - wait...

“What-,” Remus looked between the now bright-red and stuttering boys. “You two-,” his hand waived between them. “You’re...  _ practicing- _ but James... you love Lily! And Sirius—,”

For a moment, Remus didn't know what to say. Merlin, damn! This was  _ not _ something he needed to know. 

But now it seemed he needed to get to the bottom of this - should he ever hope for his plan to work.

“Right,” he said, fixing a glare at the two of them. “Get up, come with me,” he said. Once they had listened and joined him at the end of their table, he grabbed them both by their robe sleeves and dragged them with him. Quickly, they left the Hall behind them and moved towards the Room of Requirements. 

He could work with this, his mind whirring with possibilities. Surely he could use this information. He could shape his friends into perfect boyfriends and use their ‘practice’ as an outlet for their excessive energy in the meantime.

As they arrived at the room, Remus squared his shoulders - no way back now, he thought - and threw the door open, pushing his friends in before entering himself. The door closed behind them with a soft click.

“So,” James whispered, looking around. “Now what?”

“Like I said. Turning you into proper boyfriends. If you have practiced together, that’s … uh.. .great,” Remus said, still processing his friends kissing each other. “Go on then.”

His friends looked at each other and then back to him. 

“Go on?” James asked bewildered.

“Act like boyfriends,” Remus clarified, gesturing towards Sirius. “Compliment him.” 

“What am I supposed to compliment him on?”

“If you can’t compliment Sirius, how are you going to compliment someone you hardly know?”

“Not my fault he acts like a dramatic, feral mutt,” James shrugged.

Sirius scoffed at the playful insult. “Horned ponce.”

“Slobbering mongrel,” James countered.

“Tick-infested graminivore ,” Sirius snarked back.

“Ugh, tick infested? At least I don’t have fleas!” James said a bit more heatedly.

“Shut up!” Remus shouted, cutting them both off before Sirius could reply. He took a deep breath. “Fine. Just... do what you normally do. Then say how it was good or whatever.”

Both boys' eyes widened. “You want us…” James started slowly.

“... to kiss each other.” Sirius continued in disbelief.

“... in front of you?” James finished.

Remus groaned. “I don’t  _ want  _ to see it. But I need to know if you’re doing anything right.”

“Fine…” Sirius grumbled before planting a hasty kiss on James’ lips.

Remus winced from actually witnessing its sloppiness and James shot him a nervous glance from the corner of his eye before returning the kiss. Which definitely did not make it any better. How were they supposed to find a partner if they couldn’t even snog right? They had to be messing with Remus’ head about how bad they were, honestly.

Remus held his hands up. “Stop.” He hadn’t snogged a lot but he could already tell he had had more experience than them. “We can do better than that. Merlin, help me…”

“Yeah? Well, we’ve been practicing for months!” Sirius claimed before James smacked his arm.

“Oi! He wants to act like he is better when he hasn’t even snogged anyone, then let him.”

“I have! Just because you’ve never seen me and I don’t kiss and tell, doesn’t mean I’ve never done it before!”

“Prove it then,” Sirius challenged him.

“I’m waiting,” Remus said, not backing down.

When Sirius kissed him, it was rough, teeth clacking together almost painfully. Quickly, he returned it - if only to show his best mate up. Controlling Sirius’ recklessness by snaking his hands up to hold him in place. Before he could get caught up in the moment - like he sometimes dreamed he would - he pulled away.

“That’s… better,” he breathed, shaking his head of thoughts he shouldn’t be having about the boy currently staring deep in his eyes as if searching for some answer. 

As he cleared his throat and quickly stepped away from Sirius, he looked at his other friend. “Okay uh… James?”

James was just as bad at first, but for different reasons. He was too shy, too reserved. Remus had to work a little harder, coaxing his mouth to relax under his ministrations.

When they finally parted slowly, Remus’ eyes widened at the unexpected thoughts that started to swirl through his mind. 

Once they stopped, he swallowed thickly. 

While mostly prepared for his feelings towards Sirius - ready to shove them away as he helped his friend learn to really kiss - he wasn’t at all for the way he reacted to James.

“Umm,” he began, chuckling awkwardly as he stepped away. This had possibly been a very bad idea - for an entirely different reason. “Let’s leave snogging out of it, yeah?” 

He was relieved when both his friends nodded quickly in agreement. There had to be another way to get them under control as he decided he didn’t dare dive further down the hole of turning them into boyfriends. That was going to backfire on him and his feelings, it seemed. 

Making detention suddenly feel like a blessing after all...


End file.
